I am writing this tonight partially because I had coffee an hour ago, and will probably be unable to fall asleep for a while. I am also writing here because I know I need to reconsider many things about my life. I’ve done this so many flippin' times: written a long list of reasons I am discontent with my life situation and even more discontent with the way I have responded (or, more often, not responded) to my situation, come up with axioms for a new era of flourishing in my life, and gone to bed teeming with excitement, for the next day is bound to be the first day of the rest of my life! A life filled with exploration, wonder, excitement, meditation, righteous sweat, passionate love, spontaneity, an ever evolving perception of all that I see, an overabundance of love for my fellow humans, joy, joyful discipline, good food, good wine, the development of skills, the honing of an art or two, the playing and writing of passionate music, the reading of great books, the discovery of purpose and meaning!
I have a pet theory that I like to pull out when I need to motivate myself to do things that are difficult or I just don’t want to do even though I know that doing them is for my betterment. It goes something like this: people have a ‘normal’ level for every activity they do. They have a normal amount of sleep they need each night, a normal amount of food they consume, a normal intensity with which they study, a normal extent to which they concentrate when reading a book or studying chemistry. Everyone’s levels of normal are different. Everyone needs a slightly different amount of sleep to be well rested. Everyone concentrates at a different level when they read a book, or listen to a piece of music. Also, people split their concentration in different ways. One person, when listening to music, tries to analyze the harmony, or pays attention to the emotions and memories the piece of music evokes within them. Another person may listen to music only while doing other things, such that the music is only a background to other concerns. All of these levels of normal are limited biologically. (e.g. Everyone needs some sleep. No human’s thinking power is infinite) These levels of normal are also determined in part by immanence: one’s upbringing, one’s culture, what one’s peers do, what one’s significant other does, what one currently does. For example, my low level of concentration in my studies (one of my most worrisome concerns) is affected very much by the low level of concentration I had towards my studies all throughout high school. It is interesting to note that my mother is a particularly hard working and dedicated student, yet I didn’t pick up this trait (though I have picked up other traits of hers, including her concern for being a welcoming and prepared host—which is interestingly something I used to critique her for).
This theory raises questions:
To what extent are my levels of normal mutable? For example, if I raised my normal level of concentration for reading, perhaps I could more deeply and swiftly grow my curiosity and wisdom than I do when reading at my current level of concentration.
When I am doing a task, like writing this essay, at what level should I concentrate on that task? And how should I split my concentration within this single task? In this seemingly simple act of writing a few unsubstantiated theories I could concentrate on my grammar, sentence structure, word choice, many aspects of the content, or even how I should be splitting my concentration within this task.
In writing that last paragraph I felt something that worries me: a voice in my mind that lures me towards disinterest, away from concentration and towards a state I often find myself in: the place of least resistance, the place where little is demanded of me, particularly in my mind. It is this voice that stunts me I fear. Stunts my love of live, stunts my insight and perspective, stunts even my empathy. It is not mindfulness, nor a state of empty mind, it is a state of static and the currents of hungers.
Changing (particularly raising) a level of normal is a painful process, just as adapting to any new stress is. Think of the stress from moving to a new place, or the stress of starting to practice a sport again when you aren’t in good shape.
Thanks for reading my ramble. I'm sorry I have subjected you to this noise, but I think it is good that I post things on this blog every one in a while. Posting makes me feel obligated to post again, which spurs my writing, which I usually find to be a meaningful practice, or at least a better thing than oversleeping.
